To recognise this milestone, I’ve written a raw, honest blog about becoming a mummy to Mabel, from the incredible highs, to the deepest lows. For some this may be triggering as it goes into detail about baby loss, postnatal depression, birth trauma and living children.
A year ago, I wouldn’t have been able to read something like this myself, which in itself shows how far I’ve come.
Society needs to talk more about the journey to parenthood, with more honest conversations, so here is mine…
It’s been a rollercoaster 6 months. Mabel is now almost crawling (some kind of army commando, one leg in the air move!) and has had her first taste of food, which she was sceptical of at first, but realised she loved it. Whilst every day is improving, it’s been a tough old journey!
Seeing those 2 lines, for most people must be one of the happiest times of their life. It certainly was with us! However it very quickly turned to an anxious, devastating, most upsetting time in both of our lives. To be told the pregnancy wasn’t as far along as we thought and to have a rescan 2 weeks later wasn’t what we were expecting to hear. And after 2 agonisingly long weeks, we were given the news that unfortunately I had suffered what they call a missed miscarriage.
I was distraught. I was confused. I was pragmatic.
But most of all, I was angry. Angry at my body for not doing what it is supposed to do. For not telling me we had lost the babies. For letting me believe I was still pregnant.
We barely slept that night, just sobbing in to each other.
We watched the sunrise the next morning, before heading to the hospital.
Although initially my thoughts were very pragmatic, ‘everything happens for a reason’ I constantly told myself, I couldn’t help but feel a crushing feeling in my heart at every sight of a baby or pregnant lady.
I broke down in a restaurant watching a lady open some lovely baby shower gifts.
I hated her. I hated that she was happy. I hated her gorgeous bump.
After 3 weeks recovering, we catered our first wedding of the season. It was great to get stuck in to work again, but I hated pretending I was happy and okay.
Anger and jealously are two very ugly traits. Two traits I’ve not really experienced before. Yes, I would be angry at my parents for giving me a curfew of 11 not midnight, or I’d be jealous of a tall skinny girl at school, but nothing on the level I experienced in the months following the miscarriage.
Pregnancy announcements on social media would be followed by some awful comments to Alex, which lead me to taking some time off Facebook and Instagram. This helped enormously – and for anyone struggling with their mental health, I would 100% encourage it.
We longed for our baby, after losing twins in April 2023, and so after seeing those 2 lines, once again, in July I was initially so full of joy and happiness after struggling for months with the fact I wasn’t growing a bump, and pregnant ladies seemed to be Everywhere! Alex was obviously overjoyed that I was pregnant, but also mindful of how sad I was, and how tough the last time was.
This time felt very different – in fact, the only reason I took a test – almost throwing up in Sainsburys walking past the washing powder! Fatigue, and food aversions quickly followed.
We told a number of very close friends and immediate family members, completely ignoring the ’12 week guidance’. Everyone had been so supportive the first time, why wouldn’t we want them supporting us this time round?
The end of the summer was a struggle – I was barely able to get out of bed some days (no one warned me about the fatigue!), and Alex suffered a burnout and flare up of his colitis, resulting in almost a week in bed (for anyone who knows Alex, this is VERY unlike him!)
The 4th October we saw Mabel and heard the words ‘there’s a heartbeat’ for the first time.
After feeling like I was suffering a panic attack in reception, the sonographer called us through, which felt like such a triggering process, but seeing this healthy baby wriggling on the screen was like all our birthdays and Christmases had come at once – the perfect early 1st anniversary present!
I loved being pregnant! I loved seeing my bump grow! I loved nesting!
I couldn’t wait to meet our baby – we didn’t know if it was a girl or a boy until SHE was born!
Everyone kept saying to us, you’ll be overwhelmed with love when you first see him/her, it’s such a magical time, the best day of your life.
Honestly – none of that was true for me.
We had done so much preparation to ensure the birth was exactly what we wanted – as non invasive as possible, calm, and natural. It ended being none of these.
Mabel got stuck, and I was exhausted, so after 3 long days of labour, and way too long on labour ward, she was born via an unplanned caesarean
Yes it was lovely seeing Mabel for the first time, and finding out she was a girl (we were convinced she would be a boy!), but the biggest emotion I felt was relief. It was finally over, the trauma and disappointment of birth was over. Something I’m still dealing with now, and have recurrent flashbacks to when it all went wrong
We returned home the next day, to settle into life as a family of four (with our Maine Coon, Aslan), which we naively thought would be a wonderful 3 months off.
It wasn’t.
Due to the birth, Mabel wouldn’t lie on her back, wouldn’t be put down, and would scream alot. We later found out that the scream was a constant hungry cry.
I breastfed her for 7 days – 7 long, painful, horrible days. She had this distinctive ‘I’m starving’ cry, which never settled, even after over an hour of feeding.
The pain of breastfeeding was 10x that of the labour I had gone through days before, I was bleeding, miserable and dreaded feeding her. Alex would wake me from a nap to her screaming, and I found myself not wanting to wake up.
Alex first suggested formula. I wanted to be stronger, and push through the pain as I knew ‘breast was best’, but deep down I knew he was right. How can ‘breast be best’ when it causes me so much pain I bleed, I’m in floods of tears, and don’t want to be around my baby.
Day 8, we switched to formula, and Mabel never did her ‘I’m starving’ cry again.
We found out, she actually had a posterior tongue tie, which was cut at 11 days old. I did try to return to breastfeeding, but the mental damage had been done. I was now putting all my energy into bonding with this tiny baby.
The anger and jealously returned. This time, at any woman that had experienced a vaginal birth, any woman able to breastfeed, Mabel for getting stuck, for not being comfortable lying down, for parents who’s babies sleep!
It was lovely showing Mabel off to our friends and family, and feeling a bit more ‘normal’, but would dread them leaving, and again we would be alone with the baby.
Alex was, and still is an amazing support to us all. I couldn’t have done any of this without him by my side, wiping my tears every day. I’m not a crier, but I was prepared for a few postnatally, ‘be prepared for the 3rd day tears!’, but that turned into day 4, 5, 20, 30, 40 day tears.
In fact, at the time it felt like such a huge occasion when I had my first day with no tears, but now, I can’t even remember that day.
The first time I felt proud of Mabel, we were at the Spring Fair in Cowes. People were saying how gorgeous she was and how well we were doing. I agreed, she was gorgeous, and we were doing well.
There’s a reason sleep deprivation and baby cries are forms of torture.
For about 10 weeks, at least one of us slept on the sofa with Mabel (practicing safe sleeping). She would go to sleep in her crib in the evening, but refused to go back into it after waking up during the night.
Everything feels so much worse in the dark depths of the night.
Mabel slept through the night for the first time, the day we went back to work. I’m not surprised, we we all exhausted. But it was great for Alex and I to have our Eat Street hats back on. We needed more of an identity that just Mum and Dad. It’s been great for Mabel as well, she very quickly learnt that not everything revolved around her, we weren’t able to respond to her straight away, so she learnt to play independently and self soothe – what a huge achievement!
We were straight into a busy summer – juggling event catering, client meetings and parenthood was tough. We couldn’t have prepared for the fact that HQ becomes an actual oven in the summer (essentially it’s a tin can!), so I was ‘working’ from home during the heatwave, and looking after a very miserable Mabel.
Alex meanwhile was working on his own at HQ, most days doing 12 hours. We were both jealous of the other! So knew that once things quietened down, we would reduce our working week to 3 1/2 days.
Throughout the busy season, one priority remained. Alex and I had every Friday afternoon together, with our wonderful nanny looking after Mabel. This was time for us, not as parents, but as a husband and wife.
As time goes by, and Mabel learns new things, such as smiling and giggling, it’s easier to bond with her. And time spent with her is more enjoyable as she is giving something back.
She’s knows us now, she knows the songs we sing to her, she knows our silly phrases.
We know her now, we know her likes and dislikes, we know her cues.
Society makes parenthood out to be such a positive transition, but in actual fact it is the worst, toughest, experience I’ve ever been through.
If someone had said to me before I was pregnant, or during, ‘you’re going to regret it at some point, you’re going to want to give her back at some point, it’s going to feel really shit for a long time, but it will all pass, and improve’ I would have felt more prepared for feeling that in the early days. What I actually felt, was guilt, that I was an awful mum, that Mabel would be better off without me, that I was weak, that I had let her down.
Had I not have had the amazing support of so many people over the last few months,I would have fallen further into the black hole that I was slipping into, and my relationship with Mabel would have suffered for a long time. The support and guidance has given me the strength to know I am a good mum, I haven’t let her down, I’m not weak.
And she certainly wouldn’t be better off without me.
It’s taken 6 months, but I truly believe that now.
Something I’m still working on, with the help of a PT (and my private chef!) if my body confidence and image.
I wasn’t prepared for the impact on my confidence my postnatal body would have. Having never been a super skinny woman, which I’m okay with, I knew my body would look different after growing a baby for 9 months, and truthfully in the first few months I was just surviving, so if I wanted cake for breakfast, I would have it!
At first beginning I would avoid mirrors, wear baggy clothes, I hide away, but now as I’m losing some of the baby weight, eating better and feeling more confident I’ve started wearing my old ‘pre pregnancy clothes’. Small step, but feels huge!
No one told me about the c-section overhang, or the deflated balloon look I’d be left with – it all makes sense, but takes some adjusting to
Life isn’t perfect, my body looks different, my mind is frazzled and I still have my moments when I think it would be nice to give Mabel back just for a couple of days, so we can have a lie in and not be tied to feeding, entertaining, changing nappies, naps, the permanency of it all, or when I just want to sit in a dark cupboard because she wont stop screaming, but the benefits are far outweighing the negatives now.
For anyone still struggling, please reach out. Open up to anyone you trust that will listen. We need to talk more about the struggles we all face, not just as parents, but in the workplace, with families, friends, money, insecurities and so many more.
Some of the amazing support I (and we) have had over the last year
The Birth Hub
Chloe Dove physio
Carrying and Cloth
Cruse Bereavement – Jo Parkinson
Becky Smith – Scar therapy through Anu
Barnardo’s
The Mindful Osteopath
Peak Pregnancy
The infant feeding team at St Mary’s
Rosie Parkes, midwife
Rosie – Mabel’s amazing nanny
Our amazing friends
Our families
Aslan
5 thoughts on “6 months of MEOW”
Brave girl for being so honest and thank you for putting it out there. Everything rings true with me and my experiences began 50 years ago!
And I should just mention I went on to have three more…….no better …..just different. My life’s work!
Thank you – hopefully by talking about things, and being honest it helps to improve things in future!
You guys are wonderful and such amazing parents to Mabel! I’m sure that many people will relate to this blog and give them reassurance that it’s ok to not always feel elated with the ups and downs of parenting – well done Lozza x
Thank you Carly 🙂 xxxx
An honest insight into the hardest thing ever. I’m sure these words will help others feel less alone with their thoughts, feelings and experiences. This is also a magnificent record to reflect on in years to come! Huge love xx